As happy as I was for my friends (and still am), I found myself jealous, not because of their accomplishments, because I am so thrilled for them. I was jealous because they had the OPPORTUNITY to work towards those accomplishments. Meanwhile, I was never given the chance to have that same opportunity. Furthermore, while I was looking at these "Decades Challenge" posts showing my friends accomplishments in their personal and professional lives, I was sitting next to an IV pole with a feeding tube going through my abdomen into my intestines to provide me with the necessary nutrition I need to survive. Something my body couldn't do on its own.
The milestones in my life are drastically different than my peers. My best friend got engaged on the same day I had a surgery. Meanwhile another friend had a baby while I was getting yet another CT scan because we didn't know why the pain hadn't gone away with surgery. I get that life is supposed to challenge you; however, to me, it felt like my life was out to get me and the more I saw the "Decades Challenge" posts, the more I thought about everything I was missing or had missed in the last 10 years.
So, here's my "Decades Challenge"...
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| Me in London in 2009 |
In 2009, I was in college. In fact, I was studying abroad in London. I was loving every minute of it and had even surprised myself with the simple fact that I had taken a risk to go there on my own for several months at a time. Taking big chances has never been something I have been known to do. While there, I made new friends, people I still stay in contact with today, and traveled to different countries to experience different cultures and see the world. Short of getting the flu, or being a huge klutz (which still followed me to London unfortunately), I hadn't dealt with a serious and personal attack on my health.
I had been experiencing random pains my first semester of college in 2007, but by 2010 I was definitely sure I was dying. The word miserable doesn't begin to describe how I felt. And that is when my health journey began. Everything came to light in 2010 and by 2019 I had been diagnosed with 11 chronic illnesses in 9 years, making 13 the total number of chronic illnesses I now have. While my friends were advancing in their careers, settling down, getting married, having kids and even buying their first homes, I was having surgeries, multiple procedures, blood draws, fights with insurance and enough doctor appointments to fill well over five lifetimes. I was, and still am, fighting for my life.
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| Me after taking meds through tube feeding September 2019 |
It's hard not to think about what you are missing, or should have done when you had the chance while lying in bed for months on end, not able to do much. I worked when I could and did everything possible to prove to myself, my illnesses and everyone else that I wouldn't take my illnesses lying down. But I have to be honest, 2019 knocked me flat on my back and made it feel like I would never be able to get back up. And for me to be honest with myself, I need to admit that I didn't want to get back up. I didn't have any fight left in me. In fact, I told my mom I was ready to give up and I have never been more truthful in my life.
So, here's my response to the Decades Challenge:
My health has kicked me while I am down more times than I can count. While I was once a shy, but motivated young woman, I am now strong emotionally, mentally and in my faith, have found my voice and learned how to use it, and have found ways to love myself and my body despite the number of times it has revolted against me. No, I don't have a house, kids or the job I always dreamed of, but I have still accomplished things my healthy friends have. Like my friends, I have grown and learned a lot about myself and my strengths and weaknesses along the way. I've learned that while my friends can go do something fun all day, it is going to take a lot out of me and if I try to keep up with them then it will put me into a huge flare and keep me in bed for at least a week. I've learned it is okay for anyone, not just those with chronic illness, to take a break, rest and try again the next day.
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| Credit: The Minds Journal |
Fast forward to now, it's the beginning of the year which means people are making New Year's Resolutions and while most make personal goals to improve what they are doing, keep the house cleaner, go to the gym more, or have less screen time and more time with family. My health has taught me that life is short and hope, health and happiness can be taken away all too quickly.
I know you have heard something similar a million times, but I'm going to say it anyway. Remember that just because someone looks healthy and happy, doesn't mean they truly are. They may be secretly fighting a battle on their own. And just because I am more than willing to be open about what I go through and hopefully stop the stigma associated with chronic illness, others are more reserved and you would never know.
So, while making your New Year's Resolutions remember to include this one: Be Kind (thank you Ellen DeGeneres) and be generous. Think before speaking. Think before acting. You may be annoyed and think someone is taking advantage when they park in a handicap spot and walk into a store without mobility aids, but you don't know what they had to do just to get to the store that day and how much they are going to pay after. Taking it a step further, for those going through hard times (and even those who aren't), remember to Be Kind to yourself.
"It's a little strange to actually get an award for being nice and generous and kind, which is what we're all supposed to do with one another. That's the point of being human."
-Ellen DeGeneres
